We celebrated Thanksgiving on Friday. That way, everyone can go to other family members homes on Thursday and we all still get to be together for the big feast. This year I did all the usual suspects (turkey, rutabaga, dressing, cheesecake) and I did popovers. But the big change, and one I intend to use every year is brining the turkey. I became aware of brining from my pals at William Sonoma. http://www.williamsonoma.com" title="http://www.williamsonoma.com" target="_blank"http://www.williamsonoma.comThe idea sounded plausible so I gave it a shot. It produced a very moist turkey.

The rest of the day went reasonably smoothly. The four children behaved pretty well for the most part and Henry behaved beautifully as well. He was very helpful with getting the children's plates filled and also with the cleaning up afterwards. I think he had a good time. Sister Mimi arrived Friday and is leaving today, so we had our usual wonderful time. Daughter and crew seemed to enjoy themselves as well. I had a blast. Can't wait for the chance to do it all over again. But in the meantime, am looking forward to a peaceful Sunday afternoon with Henry strolling around Baywalk before going to see a movie.

Ten things that I am grateful for:

1. Henry - his gentle companionship and kindness make my world a whole lot better place to live.


2. My Memories.


3. Babygirl - OK, so she is in her own private Idaho. But who isn't?


4. The Munchkin Guild - Justin, Tyler, Morgan, Ashley.


5. My tblog pals, Lynne, Loops, Mollie, F'Cali, Flaring, BillyRyan, and on and on and on.


6. My dogs - who never cease to make me feel that I am the best dog mom ever (as long as I keep piggie ears on hand, that is).


7. My home.


8. My friends - Carol, Leslie, John Smith, Chef Steph, Chef Richard, HR, Lisa, Karen, Nyra, Steve and Alvin, Leah and Sarah, Claudia and Robin and more.


9. My history - without my past, I have no future.


10. The ACLU - keeping a vigilant eye on my civil liberties while they last.

The inspiration piece for my kitchen. This is a http://www.jennair.com" title="http://www.jennair.com" target="_blank"http://www.jennair.com Jennair kitchen called "Market Fresh". I used the beadboard cabinets and the countertop idea and twisted it a bit to fit my space. The floor plan stretcher did not show up in time, so I had to make do with the space I had already.

Hannukah begins at sundown on December 7th.

I think it is time to put up the Hannukah decorations. I think that my Thanksgiving turkey collection may well be sporting yarmulkes by the end of the day tomorrow. AND I think I have found the most wonderful and magical surprise! I am SO looking forward to 8 nights of food and family and making latkes and brisket in my brand new kitchen.

Yesterday's adventure began with a planned kayaking trip with bonus participant Chef Richard. Chef Richard, as you may recall, is married to Chef Stephanie. They live two doors down. Now, I really am fond of both of them. We are all good friends. That said, I can explain here and now that if something does not meet with Chef Richard's approval, he will let you know. He is, for example, unhappy with my choice of countertop (custom made by Quick and Dunn) http://www.kwickanddunn.com" title="http://www.kwickanddunn.com" target="_blank"http://www.kwickanddunn.com and sink. He is also unhappy with my choice of kayak. The purist in him is troubled by the pedal mechanism in my Hobie Mirage. http://www.hobiecat.com/kayaking/models_sport .html" title="http://www.hobiecat.com/kayaking/models_sport .html" target="_blank"http://www.hobiecat.com/kayak...He just cannot accept that anything can be called a kayak that has pedals.

So he invited himself along on the trip that Carol and I had planned. Which was fine. We launched from the beach near Carol's condo. And we went around the entire island. So that meant 3 bridges to go under and I got to see the Don CeSar, the Tropicana Dome, Gulfport Casino, Tierra Verde, and a host of other things from a new angle. Meanwhile, Richard was whinging about how my pedalling was stirring up the muck in Tampa Bay. While the equivelant of a Hummer on water and occupied by two middle aged men guilty of conspicuous consumption motored by with three - not one, not two, but three outboard motors the size of my kayak sucked fossil fuel up and spit it out in the form of billowing smoke.

The map shows the route around the island. Our speed was approximately 3 knots and we were out for about 2 hours.

Now, after our kayak trip, I went back to Carol's for a shower. I called Henry and he came over. Carol made us a lovely dinner. Then we came back here.

This morning, I could no longer resist the perfect cheesecake sitting in the refrigerator looking all pristine. So I had a slice for breakfast. And to tie in the last part of the title, we are going today to see http://www.tbpac.com/shows/show.cfm?recordID=839" title="http://www.tbpac.com/shows/show.cfm?recordID=839" target="_blank"http://www.tbpac.com/shows/sh...Madame Butterfly at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center.

So here you see the kitchen in its' latest phase. The sink is up and running. The tile will be installed soon on the backsplash. The countertops are solid distressed alder which is waxed regularly with bowling alley wax. It is a great upper body workout. The thing you see in the foreground is my first cheesecake in this kitchen. That would be my soon to be famous cheesecake.... the same as the one my dear friend Carol dropped on the floor last Hannuka.... It was not a pretty thing. We ate it anyway.

Here is a view in which you can see the issue with the sink depth. The countertop guy is building a box to conceal the back of the sink and the sides will be tiled along with the backsplash in white subway tile. The top of the shelf will be the alder left over from the countertop.

See --- the 4 or so inches from the back of the sink to the wall??? BTW, that brown thing on the counter is a chocolate candle that smells SO good.....

I JUST LOVE IT!!!!!

Alrighty kiddos! Mr. Plumber is currently installing the sink. This is almost the end of the kitchen redoux. Running water soon! Whoooo hooooo!!! Today, I couldn't resist cooking. Even though I had to drag the dishes and bowls out to the bar for washing. I made a pumpkin crumb cake and my famous cheesecake.

It seems that Ms. Carol will be joining me for dinner. So I will make a couple of steaks and some roasted garlic Yukon gold mashed and a salad. Dessert is already ready to go. This is SO cool. I have waited for that kitchen since August of 1987. Wait til you see it.

My LEAST favorite form of blog or email. Imagine when you "forward" that really funny joke or bit of sensitive thought that in all liklihood, I have received it TWELVE times (at least) beFORE!!! I do doubt that it was all that funny. I do doubt that I will remember it. This I do NOT doubt.... that I will delete it while thinking you a gaping flaming arsehole for cluttering up my inbox. Now, I - like most thinking, upright standing primates, have more than one e-mail account. Good business, considering the prominent presence of numerous forwarded chain letter type things that promise if only I forward to 23 of my very favorite beings that suddenly I might lose my sense of logic and pass on some virii infested bit of dreck. Guess what. If you don't really have anything to say to me personally... it gets trashed. Deal. I do.

Maybe we are not so very young anymore. Does not decrease the intensity. Maybe we are not so very beautiful to the naked eye from 50 feet. But this is the truth as I see it: when he kisses me, with his eyes wide open to see into my soul, I *feel* beautiful.

There can be no perimeter to love. It takes on every size, shape, color, age, social standing, or lack thereof. To be sure, I know what love is. I have felt it and lived it and basked in its glow until death did indeed part us. But, like I know - and I do, what bread dough feels like when it is kneaded enough, I know love.

Borrowed from AlmstHvn:   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: Any attempt to controlother people, what they think or what they do, puts little strings,cords, tentacles that smother, hold back, and impact in ways that don't heal.

From Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

So now the kitchen is looking a bit more like a kitchen. Tomorrow afternoon the countertops are due to be installed. Then the plumber will return. At that point, all that will remain to be done is

the tile. Isn't it beautiful????

On Sunday, Henry and I went to Heritage Village in Largo. Heritage Village is a collection of buildings that cover Florida history and show what life was like in old Florida. The oldest is a log cabin built in 1868. There is also a one room school house, and a one room school house that was used up until the late 1940's as a school for African American students. There is a mercantile and a barn, a typical orange grove home, and a caboose. It was really cool. We had a great time. After our visit, we went back to my house for a glass of wine. Then off to dinner at my new favorite restaurant, Basta's. I had filet mignon au poivre that was just melt in your mouth good.

So at the end of the day, Henry AKA Boo is there for me. He is a quiet, solid presence when times are good and when times are not so good. Just a quiet reassuring voice in the darkness. Just nothing but cheesy goodness.

Emerald earrings

Many years ago Joseph and I went to an Irish pub on the occasion of my birthday. We spent the evening swilling beer with our friends who joined us for the celebration. At one point, Joseph reached into his pocket and pulled out a small jewelry box. The box contained what he referred to as a trinket, a pair of emerald and diamond earrings. I, of course, was thrilled. I immediately put them on. For many years I wore them regularly. They meant much to me, especially after he died on October 26, 1999.

In 2000, I began looking for a standard poodle puppy. It is with that search that I got Colin. Sometime in the early months of 2001, when he was just a puppy, he knocked one of the earrings out of my ear near the stairs leading to the laundry room. I searched and searched for it. I looked under the stove, down the stairs and in any nook or cranny I could imagine a tiny pierced earring might bounce. All to no avail, I could not find it. It goes without saying that I was upset about the loss of one earring, especially considering that they were a gift from my beloved late husband.

I put the remaining earring in a small box and hoped that someday I might be able to have a jeweler create a new mate for it. The box went into the recesses of a drawer, not forgotten, but too painful to see all the time.

This week would have been our fifteenth wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating a successful marriage, I sat in a courtroom testifying to the events leading up to his unnecessary and untimely demise. To add insult to injury, we lost our case. After it was over, I came home and wandered around like some ghostly apparition. The trial was replayed in my mind a thousand times. I was attempting to justify the loss and how to move on. I felt like I had been taken back in time to the point where the loss of my darling was new and raw. Then I got pissed off, again. And when I get pissed off, I find something to clean. So I got pissed off at the vacuum cleaner and in a pissed off fashion, began vacuuming the living room. Now, in the past month, I have painted the living room walls and the baseboards. This, of course, required that I pull the furniture away from the walls. Then I vacuumed and swept and painted. Then I put it all back. Sometime in the past six months, I purchased a brand new vacuum cleaner, the one I was pissed off with. This new vacuum cleaner clogs every two minutes like clockwork. But on this day, the easy clog vacuum slid under the loveseat, and out rolled something glittery. Out rolled a diamond and emerald earring. At first, I didn’t believe it. I thought somehow it must be the remaining mate that I had kept in the little box. I went to find the little box. It was right where I left it and it contained an emerald and diamond earring. So the omen is there. The pair is still complete. And the message is that I still have all that I treasure, I just need to look carefully to see it.

To all who have followed, supported, prayed and sent good wishes, thank you. It is with great regret that I must now tell you that the jury found that the doctor was not negligent. The case is over. There is no appeal.

I will be alright. I set out to do something and I did it. I am now going to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. That said, something did come out of this, information that I previously had not been aware of. It seems that Joseph had some rather unusual heart problem that essentially made him a walking time bomb. He had TWO heart attacks, not one that I was told about. The expert who had found this other ailment had stated that he had a life expectancy of zero to five years. So I would likely have lost him soon anyway. But I did what I did and I still believe that if the doctor had done what he should have done, that we might have had a chance of finding that out. But for now, that is water under the bridge. I can't do anything else. Again, thank you for your support and wishes.

So here is what Friday will look like. There is no court today due to Veteran's day.

There will be closing arguments from both sides. Then the jury will get instructions from the judge. They will be sent back to the jury room and will deliberate until they reach a unanimous decision. In civil trials (this has been a civil trial as compared to a criminal trial) the burden of proof is that I have to show that more likely than not, what we testified to happened the way we said it. The burden to prove the case still falls upon Plaintiff (that is me) and the defense, well, they defend their actions. Now, the very last thing that the jury heard was the doctor agreeing that if Joseph had had mitral valve repair surgery on the evening of the 25th, he had a 90 percent chance of survival. Please pray that that truth rings in their ears over and over. Because the bottom line is that the cardiologist should have insisted that surgery be performed nearly immediately as compared to the next afternoon. That ruptured papillary muscle was not going to fix itself. His patient's life was circling the drain and he let it happen.

The jury will be asked 4 questions:

1. Was the cardiologist negligent? If they answer no, we lost. If yes, they go on to -


2. Was the cardio thoracic surgeon negligent? If no, then we won big time. If yes, they go on to -


3. What percentage of responsibility should be attributed to the cardiologist and what percentage of responsibility should be attributed to the surgeon? They can go any number of ways on this - personally, I think 75% cardiologist, 25% surgeon. After all, the surgeon is called in by the cardiologist who should be looking after the total patient's care, not just thinking about the surgery. Finally we get to damages -


4. What amount of compensation should be awarded for damages?

So please hope and pray that they hold the cardiologist responsible, that they are intelligent (they seem so, many were writing careful notes) and that they realize that my darling husband's ruptured papillary muscle and wide open mitral valve were not going to spontaneously heal. Also let them remember that there was no valid reason to not do surgery on an urgent basis. Please let them "get it".

To all who have sent positive vibes, encouragement, prayer, angels, and fruit baskets, I thank you. Okay, there were no fruit baskets. But there should have been!

Day three consisted of the battle of the economists - who agreed that I had lost much, but disagreed on the detailed accounting of how much that might be. Suffice it to say in the neighborhood of a million. That is just economic damages, not counting pain and suffering.

Our economist presented as knowledgable and unflappable. Theirs was defensive and just plain goofy. After ours, there was a break and we rested our case. But back to the events. Then they trotted out their "expert" witness. His testimony was predictable, the good doctor was above reproach. IN fact, I should be really reeaaally sorry that I brought this up. Meanwhile, my attorney was drawing in the borders of his legal pad. He doodled a pig and above it was "300 pound big fat pig". Now, not that I am saying that is a bad thing.....

Now - I know how *I* hate cliffhangers, but the chef's cooked me dinner. So - I will fill in the details later. OK? And I am ok. No matter what. Flaring is right. I held feet to fire. His dance on the stand was worth the wait. I will tell all. Really. Soon.

So I have a couple of minutes to go before I leave for day three of the medical malpractice trial that I have brought against the "doctor" who put my very critically ill husband in a bed and let him die. This happened five years ago. I promised him in my heart that I would see this through and I have. Regardless of the verdict, I have sat in a witness box under oath and testified within sight of that "doctor" to a jury of my peers about the events leading up to my darling's unnecessary and untimely demise. I cried pretty much through the whole afternoon up there. I had to describe to the jury some 8 photographs that were blown up to 30" by 42" of Joseph, us together, some of friends and some of things around here. I had to describe what our life was like, what we liked to do. What we had planned for our future. I told them about calling the "doctor" on the timing of the surgery and his avoidance of the question. I told them about asking repeatedly to do the surgery sooner. I told them about imploring the surgeon to do the surgery sooner. Neither of them listened to me. The entire week leading up to his death, I had been calling them daily. I had taken him to their office and they missed the boat again. For a week I had been begging for help for my sick husband and they ignored us time and again. Until he died - as the expert witnesses testified that most people with his condition do within 3 to 4 hours without surgical intervention.

So off I go to sit through more expert testimony until this is done. But no matter what, that "doctor" has to sit through it too. And he is hating it. And he is going to have to go through it again with the medical review board because I brought it before a court. And he will never again do to a patient what he did to my darling.

Today's testimony consisted of my second expert witness, Joseph's son, my dear friend Lisa and me. Everyone rocked. The jury is paying rapt attention and taking copious notes. There has been total silence (on their part) and much eye contact.

All parties did a fabulous job of speaking their minds and hearts. Going forward, I feel very good about this. However, it isn't over until it is over. So keep them cards and letters coming folks.

Tomorrow we wrap our case and then the defense presents theirs. They expect to finish by tomorrow afternoon. There is no court on Thursday, due to Veteran's day. Friday the jury gets instructions and begins deliberation.

I will keep you posted. For now, I am exhausted. Bed beckons.

To those who have watched this story unfold, today began the trial that I have waited for for five years. It began, for me at least, about 3 am. It actually began about 9am. We questioned potential jurors and eliminated any number that could not be impartial. The process is called Voir Dire. Then we broke for lunch. Upon our return, there seemed to be a problem to find a court room and judge available.

Our afternoon was filled with opening statements and the first witness, my expert witness. I must express that this man was all that I could hope for and more. After it is all over, I will be able to share more of the details. For now, I must hope that you trust me. My first expert refused to let five seconds go by without reiterating just how dreadfully the "doctor" had failed my beloved. Over and over. By the way, remind me please to recount the instance where opposing counsel referred to me to the jury as the "ex-wife". I called him on it, and the judge corrected it.

It has been a very long day. To be sure, I have been glared at by the doctor some 32 times. The beauty of that is that surely the members of the jury see it. We finished today well after 6:30pm. I am done in. So I leave you with these paltry tidbits. Sorry. Only slightly better than nothing. But I did want you to know how important you all are that have been following this story. I don't want you to feel out of the loop. But I have to go to bed. SOON.

Today I had the sublime pleasure of speaking to Andaloo and the other Mr. Andaloo. They both sound very handsome. They both sound very Italian, dark and extraordinarily well dressed.

Then I got to speak to Flaring, who likewise sounded like she has a huge sense of style. Followed by dinner with my dear friend Carol, whose sense of style is indisputably in the top ten.

Yesterday, when I spent nearly the whole day being drilled by my attorneys in preparation for the upcoming trial, I had the pleasure of a teleconference with my dear friend Lisa. Lisa will be my "before and after" witness who will testify that I am a mere shell of the person that I was before my husband's untimely and unnecessary death. Lisa knocked their socks off. Lisa rules.

This morning my darling friend Henry brought me Sudafed, roast duck and orange juice. How much better a care package could one ask for?

I am so very fortunate in the good friend department. I am so very grateful. I love my friends, each and every one. Sometimes I am not so great at being a good friend. I sure am grateful that my friends are able to grasp the humanness that is me that makes me drop the ball sometimes. I learn much from that, and when my friends screw up, as all of us eventually do, I hope that I can be as sweet and understanding. If I am not, kindly knock me on the side of the head until I am rendered unconscious. Thank you.

Today we get to see history in the making. Never before have we seen such an enormous turnout for voting in this historically significant presidential election. Personally, I have given a few hours to the Kerry campaign. I also worked on the Howard Dean (subtitled anyone BUT Bush campaign). I pray that it all works out.

Also, in the history small department - I have to mention where I am with regard to my personal history. In the next week, I go to trial and testify about the events that led to the death of my darling husband. It has been five years in the making. To be sure, it has been horrible up to and including now. I am anxious, filled with trepidation, yet at the end of the day, am certain that justice will prevail.

I am proud of myself for a number of things. That I have stood resolutely in the face of much opposition and maintained my stance. That stance is that my darling was denied any chance of survival. I will not waver. What happened to him should not ever happen to anyone again. I am proud of myself for my behaviour throughout this process. There have been a number of times when I could have said - "I can't do it anymore". While I may have bitched and moaned, I never wavered from my goal. Most of all, I am proud that I have procurred such an education that my counsel is relatively confident that I will be in a position to testify effectively and understand the ramifications and motivation of opposing counsel. I have worked tight with them. I have done my homework. I am ready.

There have been moments where I wondered if this blog might have been discovered by those who compose opposing counsel. On this day, I hope that they may have tripped upon it. Because I am ready. I am fully prepared to tell a jury of my peers the truth of this tragedy. That truth is that the doctor who best knew what the issue was, chose, for reasons only he can know, to delay emergency surgery for SEVENTEEN hours. Even when I called him on it. If my husband had suffered a gunshot wound, they would have done whatever it took. If he was bleeding internally, they would have rushed him to surgery. He was bleeding internally. He was bleeding in his heart. And now, for eternity, I bleed from mine.

To those who read my blog regularly:

This week is going to be trying at best. I am preparing for the trial of my lifetime. I hope that it is the last time that I will ever have to testify. On Monday, November 8th, I will be testifying regarding the events that lead to the death of my beloved husband. It would have been our wedding anniversary, had not the decision been made to deny him any chance of survival. On Monday, after five years,  I will appear and will be called upon to tell the story of how it all played out. How the doctor made choices about the whens and hows that changed our lives forever.

I hope that those of you who have followed my story will touch base to see how things are going. I hope that things are going in such a fashion that I have the strength to post at least a blurb about what went on and what might happen next. I hope that I can count on those of you who feel a connection with a higher power to pray for strength for me and for those who would try to present my case. Pray for justice to be served. Please, I implore you. Pray. The outcome will be what it is. I just want my day (a week is scheduled) in court.  I want the doctor to explain to a jury of my peers why exactly he denied my husband any chance of survival. Just give me a reason.

But most of all, you must know that I have peace with the outcome. No matter what. I have been more than courageous. I did not walk away. I did not lie down. I have held feet to fire. I am very very anxiety ridden about speaking my story to strangers, being cross examined. Opposing counsel's objective will be to try to find holes in my testimony. To try to discredit me by finding inconsistencies in my deposition as compared to my testimony. Guess what.... I am studying my deposition like it was a new and improved bible. I have the flash cards. I will not let you down. Not a chance. Not like I let him down on that day when that doctor tried desperately to avoid meeting my eyes.

Whew! What a busy week and weekend. I am only now beginning to not drop back in shock when I walk into the kitchen.

1. The cabinets are in place.


2. My anxiety attack over not being able to locate the right amount of drawer pulls was for naught. Mimi and I went to Old Hyde Park Village yesterday and Anthropologie had plenty left. They also had any number of fun things that I HAD to have (poodle pillows). The rest of the knobs are from Restoration Hardware - another fav of mine. The place was hopping with kids trick or treating.


3. My anxiety over what to wear for the week long event of my trial next week is resolved with a trip to Brooks Brothers for two suits, one black, one grey. Both boring, staid, and horribly conservative. I have stockings, and I have simple black pumps. I have conservative blouses. One thing out of the way.


4. The sprinkler system is up and running..... and running.... and running.... I need the guys to come back and solve whatever is ailing the pump. AND they forgot their hose and some sticks of PVC.


5. The project manager is on his way over to see what might be done about that tiny overlooked detail that will require my window above the sink to be raised by 6 or so inches. That should be easy, right????


6. Mimi helped me put the finish on the teak. We got 2 chairs, the table, and part of the bench done. I got the other stuff out of there and put the teak in place. I have an adirondack and ottoman and two chairs plus the rest of the bench to go.

Gratefully, Saturday, my dearest Boo had Mimi and I over for dinner. Then last night, he brought Chinese take away and hung out with me while I handed out candy to the little goblins and the 456 kids in The Scream costumes.